A Day in the Life

Homeschooling and Medieval Living

The Abyss

“And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”

 – Friedrich Nietzsche

There is an abyss before me. It is full of darkness and all manner of scary things. I stand upon its precipice. I teeter and I am very afraid but there is nothing I can do. I am so full of sadness and despair.

This is a glimpse into the mind of depression. It is something that I live with. I try to ward it off with determination and good ol’ positive thinking. Most of the time it works. Sometimes it does not.  My husband’s grandmother passed away last Friday. The viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. My husband and I have been holding up rather well. Then something awful happened. He got his grant money from school. We had a good amount left after school was paid. Now this should have been a good – even a great  – thing, but it wasn’t. You see, I hate money. When we don’t have it, we desperately need it (for bills and food and such). When we get a small amount (like the grant money) we have to pay all our bills and it is gone in a heartbeat. “Where did it all go?” I wonder. Well, we spent it on bills that we haven’t been able to pay in months. We got caught up and that takes a lot of money. But we have internet now. We have a phone. We have food in our tummies and we have gas in the car. That is where it went. My husband thinks I am so silly for stressing over such things. He retreats into video games. I lose him for hours in the computer. I usually just go to bed. I sleep about 10 hours a day. I have all of the symptoms below. So many people want to sweep this under the rug. Some of my family members don’t even think I have a problem. They don’t see me on a daily basis. They certainly don’t see me at home with stress up to my eyeballs and tears all over my pillow. This is not a once-in-a-while thing. This is a daily occurrence. It has been going on for some time. So far, I have been able to function at work. But, lately, I have been arriving later and later. The bad thing is, I just don’t care. Nothing interests me. I just don’t want to do anything. It was even hard for me to write this blog and I normally LOVE writing.

Here are some facts about Depression, according to the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI):

– Women experience twice the rate of depression as men, regardless of race or ethnic background.

– Nearly 18 million Americans—one in ten adults—experience depression each year, and about two-thirds don’t get the help they need.

– An estimated one in eight women will suffer from major depression in their lifetimes.

To meet the criteria for major depression, most of the following symptoms must be present for at least two weeks, or interfere with work or family life:
• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in regular activities.
• Restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying.
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, low self-esteem,
or guilt.
• Inability to concentrate, remember things, and make decisions.
• Changes in sleep and appetite (too much or too little).
• Loss of energy and feeling “slowed down.”

More on this issue can be found in the brochure at the NAMI website.

Do you know someone who has the above symptoms? Do they interfere with work or family life? Have they been present for two or more weeks? If so, there is hope. NAMI offers many resources on this problem. Once the person has been diagnosed, a treatment plan will be discussed. Need medication but cannot afford it? No problem. Pharmaceutical companies offer financial assistance programs. Pfizer even offers a Connection to Care Program (among many other resources).

About me? I have an appointment with my doctor. Through her, I will get the prescription I need and I can get the medicine through Pfizer for $4 a month. See, there is a happy ending.:)

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No Parking

– From the Daily Compass:

NoParking-MHD-150x150

Who, do you suppose, really wants to park alongside this ramshackle building? And don’t they have larger concerns to worry about? And yet, so many of us expend energy defending ourselves against the remote chance of intruders when

we might more profitably give that time and energy to reinforcing our own structural integrity.

What worry might you give up in order to give that energy to your own health and wholeness?

I have recently applied for a job. I have been worrying and stressing over it. I have decided to give up worrying. Either I will get it or I won’t. If I don’t, it isn’t the end of the world. It just means that there is something else out there meant for me. I tend to worry over EVERYTHNG! I worry that I am not a good mom. I worry over finances. I worry about my husband’s schoolwork. I worry over my cats. I am a worrier. So, when I give up one worry, it is huge. It is still hard though. I still check email constantly, hoping for word of an interview. I take my phone everywhere. Well, I did that before. You never know when I might have an emergency need of Angry Birds or something. Funny, I don’t even play that game…

OK, so I won’t freak out. I won’t check my email and I won’t worry. I won’t check my email…I won’t…. Dang! I checked it anyway. Oh well, I can’t ALWAYS not worry. It is just part of my nature. But I will try. I will try to go without checking email for an hour. Yeah right. Let’s see where that gets me.:)

 

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Picking Up Trash

From The Daily Compass:

Wouldn’t it be great if each of our lives came equipped with a truck with a giant suction hose to suck up the garbage that collects around us and ship it out of town? Resentments—slurp! Fretting over things we can’t change—slurp!  Petty frustrations—slurp! And off they would go, leaving clean streets for us to drive down.

What would you like this spiritual garbage truck to vacuum up and take away from your life?

My biggest problem is worry. I stress over everything. I worry over making ends meet. I worry about being a good mother (especially over that one), my parents’ health, my volunteer obligations, my job…. And did I mention bills? I really try not to but it is very hard. I have stomach aches a lot. I work every weekday. I drive over 1000 miles a week. I am away from my kids all the time. I want to home school but I am not able to teach as I would like. I am never home. This is my biggest worry. I worry that I am not doing right by my children. I hate not being home. I really hate making only $1800 a month and putting $1000 in the gas tank. I could do better at McDonald’s. I really want to find a job I can do at home. So many of those jobs are scams though. I have tried being a secret shopper and I have tried doing freelance work online. Neither of those jobs pays enough or uses my skills to the fullest. I love to create websites, write, and organize. I also love people and socializing.  But I just can’t find a job that will let me shine. That is, until recently.

Whenever I find a product/service/company I really like, I check out their website. Then, I see if they are hiring. Granted, I am usually looking for a job for my husband, Erin. He is better at coding and the like. But he is rubbish at customer service. His social skills leave a lot to be desired.  I am the opposite. I have great customer service skills but only HTML/CSS experience.

Anyway… as part of my New Year’s resolution, I have started a blog and kept it going. I found WordPress through my freelance work. Plus, I had used them before and liked them. So, I started a blog and all was well. After a week or so, I looked at their site (www.wordpress.com) and saw that their parent company, Automattic, was hiring. I thought about Erin and how he needed a job. (He is going to school right now and is trying to find work that will fit his schedule.) I saw a position that caught my eye – Happiness Engineer. I looked more at this position. It looked a lot like this:

 

Happiness Engineer

Our software and services are far from perfect. When things go wrong people are not shy about asking for help. As a Happiness Engineer helping those people is your passion. The position is a mix of education, bug-hunting, and feature testing. Every day you’ll help make our products more understandable to the people who use them.

Being a Happiness Engineer requires:

  • Patience and grace.
  • Excellent writing skills.
  • Working knowledge of WordPress, HTML, and CSS.
  • A knack for taking technical language and making it understandable.
  • A passion for solving tough problems and proposing elegant solutions.

The WordPress.com and WordPress.org forums are fantastic places to gain the experience required for this position. If you are already active there, let us know! Send a link to your forum profile and we’ll check it out.

Transforming publishing on the web is no small task. We are looking for people with the right mix of compassion, writing skills, and technical knowledge to get the job done. If that describes you, then we would love to chat.

 

WOW! This really made my day. It sounded like the job was created just for me. I have all the skills and then some. So, I wrote out my resume and sent it off today. I really hope I can at least make it to the interview stage. That would be so wonderful. *fingers crossed*

OK, so I would like a garbage truck to come and take away my stress and worry. That would be awesome. I do mean that in the way the word should mean (full of awe). I don’t mean hot dog awesome. I found a blog post while searching for a quote. I read it and I shed tears of “I know what you mean”. In it, Lori Deschene describes an incident that occurred with a friend of hers. Her friend sounds exactly like me. (I won’t spoil the blog for you. Go over and read it.)  I wish I could be more like Lori. Maybe we could all use a bit of her wisdom. I leave you with a quote from her blog.

“Every time we use the present to stress about the future, we’re choosing to sacrifice joy today to mourn joy we might not have tomorrow.”

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